tuckova

Today I found out that I do not have cancer. It was highly unlikely that
I did, but the two weeks I was waiting for test results were pretty
awful for me and probably anybody who had to listen to me. So that was a
relief. I quickly moved beyond being relieved, which makes sense, to
being pissed at myself and really embarrassed. I feel things very
intensely but I'm generally a fairly level-headed person, and this crazy
amount of dread, and the crazy if/then hamster wheel I put myself on, and my
near-surreal need for reassurance felt like a betrayal of my character
by… myself. Either it's bad or it isn't, but the two weeks while you
wait for the results are not an appropriate time to freak out. Freak out
after the results are bad, or better yet don't freak out at all. You
know? It was stupid. It was like somehow if I worried enough I could
influence the results? It's not that kind of test though, and anyway I
am not a great holder of breath. Anyway, I'm fine. I am shifting myself
back to relief, which is the more appropriate emotion, and to continued
resolutions to take care of myself as if I were my best friend and not
secretly a lunatic. I got home and painted my face up to see what I
would look like when I get old. Deep frowny bits sure, but also I've already
got some pretty good laugh lines already going on. It was not unhopeful.
Then I forgot to take the makeup off before Squire came home, so he had
kind of a surprise, there.