tuckova

When feeling bad, as I have been lately, one of the things that helps me is to think of what I want and then try to put that into the world. Yesterday I wrote a thank you note to someone who had written an article about music that I enjoyed reading. Sometimes I stop people in the street to tell them I love their outfit. I wonder sometimes how this must seem, this randomly intense appearance of a stranger gushing over the good you've put into the world. It's funny because it starts as a sort of karmic wish, I'll put it out and then maybe I'll get it back, but of course often the act itself is its own reward.

I have a bit of a cold at the moment, which wants tea and soup and to feel sorry for itself. There's a lot of mouth breathing. Last night I took a pain murderer to knock me out, which was wonderful because honestly everything hurt quite a lot and I would have been in bed exhausted and sniveling otherwise. The result was a full night's sleep, glorious, and unfortunately extremely vivid dreams which I am still untangling from reality. One involved social shunning and it really made me sad, even though it didn't happen. Thanks brain.

Every once in a while I take a run at imagining my life if I changed it in a drastic way that pleased me and not necessarily others. What if I stopped saying "yes" to anything I was asked to do. What if I just holed up on my own and read books and watched movies and worked and wrote. What if I gave up on initiating human contact. When I was young I sought very few people, figuring that if I waited until they contacted me then I'd know they wanted to see me, and thus I managed my own fears of being unwanted and when I showed up I did so wholeheartedly. Some years ago I started initiating more, not because my own confidence went up particularly but because I was suddenly able to see other people as being, perhaps, also a little self-doubting. And it takes nothing to let someone that you want to see know you would like to see them. But what would happen, I wonder now, if I stopped? If I stopped carrying my weight, would someone else lift me? Or would I be seated quietly in one place, and would that feel like meditation or abandonment? 

I'm on the cusp of some things, and it makes me feel like everything could change. It doesn't mean anything more than what it is, I'm just pondering.