bird brain

In the winter I get very sad; it is a seasonal sad, I think, but it always feels like it’s going to be forever. I’ve been solving this by getting out of town, since part of it is certainly the darkness, the sun that comes up briefly and barely, and by being with people who I’m sure love me, since part of it is the feeling that nobody does. A motivation for moving to my wee perfect apartment was making it possible for me to do this for at least 2 winter months: pack it up, pack it in, turn everything off, and fly somewhere brighter. Birds do it after all and their brains are quite small so I should be able to.

I am sitting on my bed with a new black carry-on suitcase, which is what I’ll live out of for two months. I have a very good travel dress (black, wrinkle resistant) that I spent the last 2 hours looking for. Well I thought maybe I’d put it in the box with summer clothes so I hauled the box out and there was mold behind it so I cleaned that up and then moved a bunch of other things around in the closet to check behind them and then went through several boxes not finding the dress and then finally thought of where it might be (fallen to the bottom of the wardrobe) which is where it was. So now it’s in the suitcase and the suitcase is full and all the boxes are neatly packed away again. This felt much harder than it needed to and I was thinking maybe I shouldn’t go anywhere when it’s so difficult to just pack a suitcase but of course that’s just the winter brain wanting to select out of more and more until I’m too sad to even lift a finger.

Last night was closing night of the play. Wednesday we’re doing a comedy show and Thursday I leave. You’ve got this, I say out loud to the room, you can do this.