tuckova

dear DVD that i didn’t even watch,

where are you? i went to the store yesterday to get a light romantic
comedy because watching back to back episodes of heroes on top of the
internal unpleasantness is starting to mess with me. i feel
sufficiently craptastic these days without adding to it the fact that i
have not saved a cheerleader and i am so totally not on the list,
unless bursting into tears over stupid things is a superpower. if i
were around someone who bursts into flames, they could say, "the jiggly
handle of the frying pan; remember that old christmas commercial;
sharing different heartbeats" and i would totally quench
them with my salty salty self so there’s that.

so that’s where you come in, my dearest DVD, my DVD for which (whom?) i
actually Put On Pants and Left The House, smiling lumpishly at the
lovely girl who works behind the counter there and hoping that i do not
smell, as i suspect i do, like rotting old man mouth. i probably do,
and she’s probably just too nice to even wince. she probably had to do
some heavy bulimic gasping once i left, but she held it together while
i selected a movie and we were all very proud of me, with the pants and
all.

i felt so proud i even went to get cat litter because some portion of
the weeping may be the ammonia stinging my eyes, what do i know. and
then that propelled me to open the mailbox, which i sort of haven’t
done in a while, because i thought Look At Me Out And Functioning Woot
Go Me except there was nothing in the mailbox except a WATCHTOWER which
i briefly noted was in english so that must be who was ringing the
doorbell earlier today. i feel a sudden need to switch to second person
here, like "you briefly note that the watchtower is in english" because
implying to you in a first person narrative that i’m losing my mind is
maybe frightening you, my DVD. my mind is perfectly intact, DVD, as
evidenced by the fact that i am able to write complete sentences. it’s
just a little edgy. like the world, like hic sunt dracones.

anyway, so i threw out the watchtower and came home ready to watch some
kissing, some wacky misunderstanding, some hijinks, and then some more
kissing. dear DVD, where are you? i’m sorry i frightened you but really
it’s not my way to lose things <cough>wallet</cough>, okay,
not my way to lose things often and i can’t understand how i managed to
lose a DVD i didn’t even watch. i blame society. society made me the
loser of DVDs that i am. society also found me barehandedly sifting
through the bag of recently discarded cat litter looking for a lost DVD
that may have accidentally gotten entangled in the previously discarded
watchtower, but this story arc will never reach the correct target.

sigh. the dentist didn’t answer the phone today. i brushed my teeth and
put on my pants again and went to the DVD store and filled out a
missing person’s report for you. i’m ready to love you baby if you’ll
just come back. come back before monday and they won’t charge me for
you, kay? in the meantime i got kiss kiss bang bang. not a replacement,
a distraction. murdering the time until you come back.

yrs &c,
anne tuckova