tuckova

And we are shopping again, hooray. The second-hand shops, the malls, the boutiques, every city has a shopping district, a store, clothes on the rack and sales tags telling you more than you need to know about each item. The doors hiss open and the store is warm inside, the security guard just nods, the music is good enough you can take off your headphones and figure out what people listen to these days. One hand flicks across each rack, nope, nope, nope. Swipe right. You've got a good eye now, you can tell what isn't going to work.

What's harder is telling what MIGHT work. What you would honestly like is something you can put on and feel instantly at home in and also wear out with friends. You do not want a dress for parties, not silk nor leather nor fur. Something that matches a bowl of popcorn and a good movie, something cuddly and soft, something that brings out the color in your eyes. Something that makes you feel good about waking up. Something that lasts, durable. Not something for every day, as you have black t-shirts and sweatpants already, but something that COULD be everyday. 

There is nothing like that in this store. But you are not yet ready to give up, so you narrow your desires. It is possible that you are expecting too much from one outfit; maybe you should try several. Something practical, something fancy? Cargo pants, a plunging neckline? Here are some sequined leggings on sale and they're in your size! Here is a blue sweater that looks warm enough to keep you cozy for the last month of winter. Here is a t-shirt with a witty saying. Here is a wine-colored shirt that might do.

It might do, it all might do. When the weight of the hangers has bent back your fingers to the point of pain you carry it all into the dressing room and strip under the fluorescent lights and try it on, and try it on, and try it on. Nothing is quite right. It's never bad, because you don't pick bad things; it's never exactly what you wanted but you need something, it's too cold to go naked after all, and leaving empty-handed is sometimes more depressing than compromise. And it could be the light you're looking at things in, harsh and unforgiving. Or it could be just that you're not attracted by this season's fashions. Sooner or later you may come to admit that the problem is you. That in a store full of clothes a person who cannot find a single outfit is doing something wrong, is in fact wrong in some concrete nameable way. But that's sooner or later; today you grab another black t-shirt and hand over your credit card and put your headphones back on and call it a day. Which it was.