tuckova

Getting up off the mat upon which I learned to fall, back when it was closer, when the ground kissed me and it felt like hello, now so much more difficult, every fall a reminder of bones, joints, a reminder of pain. I know it looks more natural when I really fall, when I do it myself, no camera cutting away to my brave face while some other stronger younger person takes the fall for me, I know it's part of the visceral truth that needs to be told when I myself personally tumble down the cliff's side, body tossed like a rag doll, like salad, flesh torn by the pack of rabid-looking dogs at the foot of the ravine, okay some of that is just special effects but the tears are mine, no glycerin needed. Visceral truth, verisimilitude, whatever. I know that it has to be me, or nobody's impressed. When I was young I said I couldn't understand something unless I tried it myself, and I opened my mouth wide to the wind as we drove through, to the flavors, the drugs, the kisses, to every thing, I opened my whole body for it, tried it, tasted it, experienced it, and I knew that it was the only way I could know anything. But now I think: do I NEED to know? Why? Why do I have to do all my own stunts? Is there not some poor unemployed actor out there, someone who could look like me with just a wig and some padding, someone more eager and enthusiastic who could do this for me, and I would sit in my trailer looking wise and sipping tea and I would be so nice to the reporters, the magazine journalists, I'd talk about The Method and The Process. Look, it doesn't have to be REAL-real, some of it could be ketchup, I don't want anybody else to suffer, I'm just tired of how real this feels, tired of bleeding the truth and shaking it off. I'm tired of bravely walking away from the flames as they lick the clothes from my back, of taking the punches, of one more time with feeling. I'm tired even of the exotic locations, but I'll stay in the picture if you want me to do the work, I just don't want to get hurt anymore. I want it in my contract.