tuckova

The feeling of not belonging is particularly keen for a single person during the holidays, when one being uninvited feels unwanted and even unwelcome. And the same one, if invited, feels it as a courtesy, a kindness, pity for the stray cat. It’s odd that the times when I had family and invited similar strays I felt like I’d won some marvelous extra but I don’t usually feel like a marvelous extra now that the tables have turned, barking my knees on the edge of a limited space that comfortably fits one less me. The feeling that you should earn your keep, sing for your supper, or at least put forth fresh daily conversation topics. Blush with shame later when the person who invited you inevitably says something about how they don’t usually do things the way you just did them. We don’t usually eat that with our fingers. We don’t usually drink so much. Worse: we don’t usually feel like we need to keep the conversation going for no reason. 

The story you told yourself before you left is the same one you tell yourself every morning and evening. Be gracious. Be kind. Compliment everyone at least once every day. Everywhere is interesting so anywhere is good. Be flexible. Be a leaf on the wind, a twig in the river, go with the flow. 

There is a sea, for which you are grateful, and the tide rolls in and out every day. There is a sun and you raise your face to its warmth and track it across the sky as it rises and sets. We find it beautiful, we imagine Sisyphus happy, and at the end of one city we put everything back into the suitcase and roll to the next place.